Writing as a recursive process
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The start of my first draft was about South Korean meat consumption, and this might mislead the readers to think that the topic of this writing is about that issue. After revision I put what the increase of meat consumption means in a country to show the direction of my writing. This change better framed the structure of intro. I also added Bittman’s source to explain the base of Kingsolver and Pollan’s ideas. Bittman is explaining the problems of the way modern people are eating, Kingsolver and Pollan are both presenting better alternative for industrial food production. This improved “source” element of the introduction. I also put what kind of effort I have done to solve problems of IFP at the end of the paragraph. This improved “contribution” part of the intro.
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The paragraph in the first draft where the first sentence starts with “This results in a difference in the amount of…”I only stated economic issue about Polyface farm. After revision I reorganized the paragraph adding content of Herzog’s idea. This showed how ethics of industrialized farming and emotional feelings are related to each other. The new sentence “Pursuing efficiency in industrialized farming can cause….”also showed how this paragraph is connected to the previous paragraph. This changes strengthened the project.
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At the last paragraph, I added my own eating habits to explain what I can contribute solving the problems of IFP. I claimed animal welfare is the most important in making ethical choices, and gave actual example of trying products from “Beyond Meat”. This better explained the reason of my claim that only certain parts of Polyface farm should be implemented.
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At the paragraph starting with a sentence “Salatin came up with some solutions…”, I added a part where it explains the difference of efficiency between Polyface farm and the IFP farms. Before that what I wrote was just stating how Polyface farm works. By approaching it in the view of “efficiency”, I could make the readers see the difference of characteristics for each farm more easily.
Intergrating ideas with those of others
-There are barely no summaries in my conclusion and it is mainly about answering my own question of “Do we disregard moral for an increased food production?” I stated my own eating habits to set up basic approach for this question and claimed animal welfare is the most important issue in making ethical choice.
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Paragraph starting with a sentence “Salatin came up with some solutions that would resolve the ethical issues of industrial farming”, I described the features of polyface farm and then concluded that polyface farm makes the animals themselves are in charge of managing the farm. This lead to my claim that polyface farm and industrial farming have different types of efficiency.
At the paragraph starting with a sentence “Pursuing efficiency in industrialized farming can cause problems related to moral issues.” I connected the idea of “troubled middle” to explaining the relationship between ethics of industrial farming and polyface farm.
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Previous paragraphs before conclusion part shows that people’s attitudes, behavior and relationships with animals are more complex than it seems. This connects to my idea that animal welfare is the most important value.
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At a paragraph staring with a sentence “Salatin came up with some solutions that would resolve the ethical issues of industrial farming”, I explained the different meaning of efficiency between industrial farm and polyface farm. This is connected to the next paragraph where it starts with explaining moral issue problems can occur when efficiency of industrial farming is pursued. This paragraph is about that ethics of industrialized farming and emotional feelings are strongly related to each other. All these contents are base for the topic question in the conclusion “Do we disregard moral for an increased food production?”
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At the paragraph starting with a sentence “Salatin came up with…industrial farming”, I first stated some features of Polyface farms and extended it into my own definition of efficiency for industrial farm and Polyface farm. At the paragraph starting with a sentence “Pursuing efficiency in industrialized farming can cause problems related to moral issues.”, I mentioned “troubled middle” to explain the relationship between ethics of industrialized farming and emotional feelings. I later confirmed my opinion in the conclusion that animal welfare is the most important value.
Active Reading, Critical Reading,….Informal Reading Response
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At 4/23 Dalai Lama2 annotations, “Even if it is interconnected, some of the challenges we face is based on different cultural values. In these cases the view of a single human family may not be applied” was challenging ideas in text.
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At 4/10 Connecting Bittman, Kingsolver, and Pollan assignment, I came up with my independent question “Do we disregard morals (treatment of animals) for an increased food production?” after investigating the difference between industrial food production farm and polyface farm.
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At 4/23 Dalai Lama2 annotations, “Fundamental human values should be…before any values.” Was annotated to understand texts. “How can moral compass influence enlarging our current preview of genetic technology?” was an annotation asking a question. At 4/3 Reading Pollan 2 annotations, I annotated about the features of Polyface farm and related it to the part where it explains that industrialized farm leads to lack of local knowledge for students in rural area.
Critique Own and Other’s work
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At Paul’s first comment, I suggested to make more clear views on some points, such as “Why do Americans need to change the way they eat?”, “What is the specific problem with this view?”, “Why does it matter if this is how American’s see the food industry?” At the second comment, I specifically suggested there is a room to be improved in the part where he integrated the ideas of Bittman and Pollan. Also I commented “organizationally it seems this might fit better in para3, where you touch on meat consumption.”
At Zach’s first comment I suggested to integrate more of K, P, and B with his idea. At seoncd comment, I suggested to write more related things mentioned in the topic sentence.
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At Paul’s second comment, I made a comment that addresses his claim. “At last paragraph the part where you…on the animals rather than human.” At Paul’s last comment, I stated about his organization of conclusion. “Restate the thesis, and develop more into your solution.”
-At Paul’s third comment, I offered to make extension on his idea of Polyface farm. “Why is this important, why specifically……” Also commented “What happens if we don’t change the way we eat?”. This can be one of the possible counterarguments
